I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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