Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
