Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
