My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
