her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
