Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
