What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
