My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
