That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
