i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
