just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
