I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Everyone says I win the strip club
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
