The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
