So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
