Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
