If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
