All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Randomize
