The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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