Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
