We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
