sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize