If i come over, it means nothing
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
