mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
