after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
