if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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