so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
