Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
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