You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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