I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
