Kareoke will never be a sober sport
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
