I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
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