I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Randomize
