Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
