there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
