best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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