overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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