Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
