I'm so fucking centered right now
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
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