I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
