the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
