Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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