1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
