Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
