mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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