i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize