Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
