Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
