I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
