haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
3 2 1 whiskey
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
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