I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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