you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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