Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
