i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
