she said she was living bicuriously through me.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Randomize
