Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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