Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Randomize
