So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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