I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
